Monday January 6, 2014
Beyonce Drops New Album, Ignites Global Feminist Movement
A global women’s rights movement has risen up in the wake of Beyoncé Knowles’ new “visual” album release. Featuring tracks with incendiary feminist lyrics like, “I woke up like this” and “I just wanna be the girl you like,” as well as a song called “Pretty hurts,” the self-titled album is sparking female-led demonstrations for equality and justice from Southeast Asia to Central America.
Sixteen-year-old sweatshop worker Ming Xiao-Jen says she too was energized by the visual album.
“It makes me feel anger and hope,” she said, while sewing a Made in Italy label onto a pair Roberto Cavalli jeans. “Because we all have the right to be a millionaire superstar and have another multimillionaire superstar put a million-dollar ring on it.”
Developmental psychologist Suzie Hutch believes she knows the reason girls and women are having such a strong reaction to the album:
“After watching 17 music videos featuring Beyoncé in 37 differently stylized thongs—some neon, some jeweled, some tasseled— a young woman can’t help but feel empowered to be all she can be.”
War in Iraq Going Better Than Expected Without the US
More than two years after US troops left Iraq, the country’s war has successfully raged on without any foreign assistance. 2013 was the deadliest year for the country with 7,800 civilian deaths— a high mark the Maliki government hadn’t been able to reach since 2008 when Iraq was under American occupation. The US calls it “mission accomplished accomplished accomplishment.”
“At first it was unclear how our absence would affect the stability of sectarian violence,” said US military spokesperson Dee Mockrasi, “But in the past year we’ve seen the Iraqi government filling the American’s shoes, by equally mismanaging a complete and utter sh*tshow. And they were big shoes to fill.”
82% of Americans Revolt Against War in Afghanistan via Survey
Outraged by the war and occupation of Afghanistan now into its 12th year, Americans boldly both answered their phones and did not hang up on CNN/Opinion Research pollsters in the first five seconds of conversation. When asked if they were for or against the longest war in American history that has claimed the lives of tens of thousands and destabilized the region, 82% uttered a defiant “opposed” into their receivers before returning to their couches to finish the season of Homeland in which a CIA covert operation actually succeeds.
UN Establishes 364 "Do Nothing About Global Warming" Days
To raise awareness about the growing threat of climate change to the future of life on Earth, the United Nations unanimously voted to establish 364 Do Nothing About Global Warming Days. UN climate chief Christiana Figueres says the purpose behind the nearly year-round commemoration is to give citizens and governments around the world a “long opportunity to consider not doing anything” to combat the climate crisis.
“We have tried negotiations to no avail,” Figueres said, referring to another failed round of global talks in Warsaw last November. “We’ve decided that the best way to pressure the international community to feel like it’s taking action would be to establish specific days of recognition— like we’ve done with human rights, immigrant rights and women’s rights, all of which have their own designated ‘do nothing’ days.”
Iran Negotiations Stymied by McCain Indigestion
Historic talks between Iran, the United States, and five world powers about Iran’s nuclear program were interrupted last Thursday evening after Arizona Sen. John McCain suffered an episode of indigestion. Overly stewed onions in an Applebee’s pot pie seem to have been the culprit of Mr. McCain’s discomfort—which lasted all night and well into the next day, when he announced that negotiating with Iran “just didn’t sit well” and introduced a strict sanctions bill. When pressed as to why he would risk tanking the first diplomatic talks between the US and Iran in six years, the Senator answered, “My tum tum hurts.”