BREAKING! 2 + 2 = COMCAST
'War is Peace, Ignorance is Strength, and Comcast Creates Competition’ according to Comcast. After its purchase of the second largest global communications company, the largest global communications company issued this three-word statement entitled simply “Comcast Loves You.” However the Comcast purchase has yet to be fully approved by the Federal Communications Commission, which itself has yet to be fully purchased by Comcast.
"There are currently several unmarked briefcases currently out for delivery," says former FCC regulator Meredith Attwell Baker who know works for the Party Comcast. "We are confident that they will accept the merger just like I have accepted this seven-figure job."
Sochi: Downhill Slalom to be Paved with Climate Change Deniers
The International Olympic Committee voted Monday to restructure Sochi courses with the deniers of climate change. The decision came at a critical time for the Winter Olympic games, which have been inhibited by high temperatures and fast-melting snow. Austrian ski jumper Michael Haybock says he now feels confident in a cushioned landing.
"It’s going to be great," he said while sunbathing in a lawn-chair. "Considering there are way more hack scientists and sell-out politicians than there is snow at this point. I will definitely beat my previous record."
The Committee says it is now considering helping 2018 Winter Olympics host South Korea construct its courses using shipments of bullshit from the fossil fuel industry.
Nothing Has Come of Iran Talks in Lead Up to Iran Talks
Little has come of negotiations between Iran and the P5+1 that have not yet begun, say every political opposition group in each country involved. Scheduled to being today in Vienna, the unprecedented high-level talks on Iran’s nuclear power have been a major failure according to Saudi Arabia, Israel and everyone else their money can buy.
"I support diplomacy in theory, but it has really fallen short in the lack of its practice," said every AIPAC-groomed US congressperson at one point or another. Conservative naysayers and weapons manufacturers on all sides agreed.