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Laugh to Not Cry Report Feb 17th: Unreal News for an Unreal World

BREAKING! 2 + 2 = COMCAST 

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'War is Peace, Ignorance is Strength, and Comcast Creates Competition’ according to Comcast. After its purchase of the second largest global communications company, the largest global communications company issued this three-word statement entitled simply “Comcast Loves You.” However the Comcast purchase has yet to be fully approved by the Federal Communications Commission, which itself has yet to be fully purchased by Comcast.

"There are currently several unmarked briefcases currently out for delivery," says former FCC regulator Meredith Attwell Baker who know works for the Party Comcast. "We are confident that they will accept the merger just like I have accepted this seven-figure job." 

Sochi: Downhill Slalom to be Paved with Climate Change Deniers

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The International Olympic Committee voted Monday to restructure Sochi courses with the deniers of climate change. The decision came at a critical time for the Winter Olympic games, which have been inhibited by high temperatures and fast-melting snow. Austrian ski jumper Michael Haybock says he now feels confident in a cushioned landing.


"It’s going to be great," he said while sunbathing in a lawn-chair. "Considering there are way more hack scientists and sell-out politicians than there is snow at this point. I will definitely beat my previous record." 

The Committee says it is now considering helping 2018 Winter Olympics host South Korea construct its courses using shipments of bullshit from the fossil fuel industry.  

Nothing Has Come of Iran Talks in Lead Up to Iran Talks 

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Little has come of negotiations between Iran and the P5+1 that have not yet begun, say every political opposition group in each country involved. Scheduled to being today in Vienna, the unprecedented high-level talks on Iran’s nuclear power have been a major failure according to Saudi Arabia, Israel and everyone else their money can buy. 

"I support diplomacy in theory, but it has really fallen short in the lack of its practice," said every AIPAC-groomed US congressperson at one point or another. Conservative naysayers and weapons manufacturers on all sides agreed.

Laugh to Not Cry Report: Unreal News for an Unreal World

February 3, 2014

Syrian Civil War Pauses to Observe Oscar Nominations 

No Mass Shootings in Past 48 Hou…Nevermind

NSA finds Angry Birds not Terrorism Greatest Threat to America

'Welfare Queen' Officially Inducted into American Mythological Archive

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Syrian Civil War Pauses to Observe Oscar Nominations

Rebel and government forces in Syria agreed to a momentary ceasefire last Sunday to observe the announcement of the 86th Academy Award nominees. Jets grounded and kalashinkovs silenced as Syrian rebels and pro-Assad fighters gathered round dish satellites to see which ‘moviemaking heroes’ made the cut. Rebels cheered at Jennifer Lawerence’s nomination for best supporting actress, while Assad forces beamed at news Leonardo DiCaprio is once again among the best actors.

After the nominees were read, fighting once again broke out between the two sides over whether Sandra Bullock’s performance in Gravity truly deserved of the Academy’s nod.   

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No Mass Shootings in Past 48 Hou…Nevermind

The United States experienced a brief pause in its 357-day streak of mass shootings up until the moment that the word ‘shootings’ was written just now. What appeared to be a much-needed calm from the weekly barrage of random senseless gun violence, has just now ended with another shooting in a Florida schoolyard. However prior to just now, malls, movie theaters, parks, schools, streets and pretty much anywhere that isn’t in one’s bed alone went through a full 48 hours of calm. 

Chelsea Chang, a frequent mall goer and Juicy Couture fanatic says she enjoyed the short-lived peace.  

"I almost forgot that at any moment of the day an under-loved white dude with a chip on his shoulder and arsenal at home could end my life, and that Congress would still do literally nothing on gun control."

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NSA finds Angry Birds not Terrorism Greatest Threat to America

After years of collecting metadata on personal cell phones, the NSA has released a report that indicates that the biggest threat to the United States is not Al Qaeda, but in fact, Angry Birds. The report suggests that the smartphone game is destroying the fabric of American society faster and more effectively than any international terrorist network.  

"Whether while driving, operating heavy machinery, or lying next to their partners naked in bed, data shows Americans put Angry Birds before their wellbeing and wellbeing of others," remarked an NSA spokesperson.

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'Welfare Queen' Officially Inducted into American Mythological Archive

The renowned American Archive of Mythology and Folklore took steps Wednesday to officially accept the ‘Welfare Queen’ into its prestigious halls. With the cutting of $800 million worth of food stamps and the slashing of unemployment insurance for 1.6 million people, the Archives says it feels certain that the absurd mystique surrounding the ‘Welfare Queen’ is big enough to be accepted as total and utter fiction.

A bronze statue of the ‘Welfare Queen’ featuring a heavy-set African-American woman dressed in furs, eating caviar, and riding in a cadillac with her nine children in the backseat, will be inducted into the Archives’ museum. It will be placed alongside the statues of the Loch Ness Monster and the Middle Class’.  

Laugh to Not Cry: Unreal News for an Unreal World. January 13

Carmen Electra Arrives in Iran Ariel Sharon Redraws the Borders of HellWoman Immediately Regrets Agreeing to Watch Playoff Game in Bro-y PubChristie Aide to be Waterboarded for Answers

Carmen Electra Arrives in Iran

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In what many are calling a snub to her ex 9-day hubby, Carmen Electra arrived in Tehran to broker peace between the U.S. and Iran. The model/actress denies any personal motivations behind the trip, which came a week after former husband and NBA superstar Dennis Rodman went to North Korea to help CNN’s ratings. Rather, Electra claims her motives are purely political. 

"I’m concerned about the fragile negotiations between Iran and the countries of the P5 plus one,” she told reporters. “The Senate is on the verge of passing a new round of sanctions that would totally jeopardize these historic diplomatic efforts and a pathway toward peace.” She then went on to discuss CIA involvement in Iran over the last 60 years. 

On Wednesday, Electra will meet with President Hassan Rouhani, coincidentally a fan of the actress’ work as Lani in Baywatch Nights. In addition to geopolitics the two will discuss the shoot dates of Scary Movie 14, “Paranuclear Activity”.

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Ariel Sharon Redraws Borders of Hell

No sooner did former Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon arrive in the Underworld than Satan enlist him to help redraw its fiery borders. Given his impressive CV of civilian massacres, border incursions, and total disregard for diplomacy, Satan said he felt that General Sharon would undoubtedly be the “right man for the job.” Hell’s plans include expanding its nine rings by annexing key swaths of Purgatory with demon-only roads, and building a series of undead settlements inside Heaven. 

Woman Immediately Regrets Agreeing to Watch Playoff Game in Bro-y Pub

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A Denver woman reported feeling instantly distressed and fearful for her life after stepping into a local sports bar to watch the NFL playoffs on Sunday. Susan Banks, 32, a fiction blogger who had never sat through a full football game says her cousin’s invitation to ‘pound wings and watch the Broncs with some buds’ sounded like a fun enough plan. But upon gazing out at a sea of twenty-something men wearing backwards baseball caps adorned with Oakleys and jeering at the 18 plasma screens of Smelly O’Tooles that afternoon, Banks says she knew she had made a mistake. 

"My throat began to swell up and I tried to get to the nearest exit, but then the referee made a bad call and there was Coors Light spilling everywhere," she recounted. After three backside and two frontal gropes, Banks eventually made it to the women’s restroom, which was marked by a collection of brassieres hanging on the wall outside. 

"I just took deep breaths," she said, "and remembered I was in a safe space, even if there was no lock on the stall door."

Christie Aide to be Waterboarded for Answers

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The New Jersey State Assembly voted unanimously Friday to waterboard an aide to governor Chris Christie for his refusal to answer questions about the George Washington Bridge scandal. David Wildstein, former Christie-appointed head of Port Authority NJ, will have his loyalty put to the test this Wednesday when he is scheduled for the procedure. 

"We feel that given the circumstances and the refusal of the witness to cooperate, the use of advanced interrogation tactics is warranted," said Assemblyman John Wisniewski. "If it’s good enough for Guantanamo it’s good enough for Jersey."

Laugh to Not Cry Report: Unreal News for an Unreal World

Monday January 6, 2014

Beyonce Drops New Album, Ignites Global Feminist Movement

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A global women’s rights movement has risen up in the wake of Beyoncé Knowles’ new “visual” album release. Featuring tracks with incendiary feminist lyrics like, “I woke up like this” and “I just wanna be the girl you like,” as well as a song called “Pretty hurts,” the self-titled album is sparking female-led demonstrations for equality and justice from Southeast Asia to Central America.

Sixteen-year-old sweatshop worker Ming Xiao-Jen says she too was energized by the visual album.

“It makes me feel anger and hope,” she said, while sewing a Made in Italy label onto a pair Roberto Cavalli jeans. “Because we all have the right to be a millionaire superstar and have another multimillionaire superstar put a million-dollar ring on it.”

Developmental psychologist Suzie Hutch believes she knows the reason girls and women are having such a strong reaction to the album:

“After watching 17 music videos featuring Beyoncé in 37 differently stylized thongs—some neon, some jeweled, some tasseled— a young woman can’t help but feel empowered to be all she can be.”

War in Iraq Going Better Than Expected Without the US

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More than two years after US troops left Iraq, the country’s war has successfully raged on without any foreign assistance. 2013 was the deadliest year for the country with 7,800 civilian deaths— a high mark the Maliki government hadn’t been able to reach since 2008 when Iraq was under American occupation. The US calls it “mission accomplished accomplished accomplishment.”

“At first it was unclear how our absence would affect the stability of sectarian violence,” said US military spokesperson Dee Mockrasi, “But in the past year we’ve seen the Iraqi government filling the American’s shoes, by equally mismanaging a complete and utter sh*tshow. And they were big shoes to fill.”

82% of Americans Revolt Against War in Afghanistan via Survey

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Outraged by the war and occupation of Afghanistan now into its 12th year, Americans boldly both answered their phones and did not hang up on CNN/Opinion Research pollsters in the first five seconds of conversation. When asked if they were for or against the longest war in American history that has claimed the lives of tens of thousands and destabilized the region, 82% uttered a defiant “opposed” into their receivers before returning to their couches to finish the season of Homeland in which a CIA covert operation actually succeeds.

UN Establishes 364 "Do Nothing About Global Warming" Days 

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To raise awareness about the growing threat of climate change to the future of life on Earth, the United Nations unanimously voted to establish 364 Do Nothing About Global Warming Days. UN climate chief Christiana Figueres says the purpose behind the nearly year-round commemoration is to give citizens and governments around the world a “long opportunity to consider not doing anything” to combat the climate crisis.

“We have tried negotiations to no avail,” Figueres said, referring to another failed round of global talks in Warsaw last November. “We’ve decided that the best way to pressure the international community to feel like it’s taking action would be to establish specific days of recognition— like we’ve done with human rights, immigrant rights and women’s rights, all of which have their own designated ‘do nothing’ days.”

Iran Negotiations Stymied by McCain Indigestion

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Historic talks between Iran, the United States, and five world powers about Iran’s nuclear program were interrupted last Thursday evening after Arizona Sen. John McCain suffered an episode of indigestion. Overly stewed onions in an Applebee’s pot pie seem to have been the culprit of Mr. McCain’s discomfort—which lasted all night and well into the next day, when he announced that negotiating with Iran “just didn’t sit well” and introduced a strict sanctions bill. When pressed as to why he would risk tanking the first diplomatic talks between the US and Iran in six years, the Senator answered, “My tum tum hurts.”

Standing on Low Ground & Justice For Trayvon

Zimmerman’s acquittal in the Bermuda Triangle of justice, the top 5 worst moments of the trial, and a revived Civil Rights Movement via the Dream Defenders. Laugh To Not Cry would break the justice system down but it seems it’s already broken.

Spying is cool cause… I have nothing to hide!

"I don’t care about NSA spying, I have nothing to hide!" many say. Including my mother. From parental to partisan reactions, a lack of accountability, and the lapdog formerly known as the European Union, the shenanigans continue from the spy I’m not sure ever loved me.

How to Avoid NSA Surveillance

WAR IS PEACE

IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

FREEDOM IS SLAVERY

THE NSA IS MY HOMEBOY 

Written, directed, and edited by Francesca Fiorentini

Camera by Patricio Guillamón

Like LaughToNotCry on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LaughToNotCry

Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/franifio

Visit my tumblr site: http://www.laughtonotcry.com

Whistle Blown: Miss the Message, Kill the Messenger

Is it treason to defend the principles upon which your government was supposedly founded?

As the trial begins for Wikileaks source private Bradley Manning, Laugh to Not Cry asks why in a free and democratic society we persecute the truthtellers and the not war criminals. Why do we ignore murderous pink elephant in the room and instead focus on how it got in? 

Manning, like hacktivist Jeremy Hammond who exposed how private corporations are hired to spy on ordinary citizens, might be criminals or they just might be  the heroes of our times. For they are trying to tell us that it isn’t they who are endangering American lives but rather—from the military to the private sector—a very harmful status quo.  

Written, directed, and edited by Francesca Fiorentini

Camera by Patricio Guillamón

Like LaughToNotCry on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LaughToNotCry

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WHEN MINISKIRTS ATTACK!

It lurks in the shadows, around corners, at teen parties with alcoholic beverages. Colorful, appealing, and ready to take the blame for rape.

IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY THIS ANTI-RAPE MESSAGE, PLEASE WATCH THIS VIDEO. THANK YOU:  http://youtu.be/KTvSfeCRxe8

A Lie-brary for Bush and Other Fairytales

Get to know the man behind the bumbling warmonger. Take a tour through the Decision-Points Theater—designed to help you understand that making decisions are tough when others tell you what to do. In this giant attempt at gaining your affection, Americans (Iraqis and Afghans) should consider themselves smacked in the face.

Obama has put forth his budget proposal to Congress like a bone before the three-headed GOP guardian dog of Hades…hoping it will suffice. In it are severe cuts to so-called entitlement programs via the chained CPI, sure to please house Republicans but leave most Americans far worse off. What are these “entitlement” programs? And on this tax day that hasn’t got the biggest corporate evaders worried one bit, what is real meaning of “entitlement”?

Good background articles:

What is Chained CPI: http://politi.co/ZrivL3

Mooching Off Medicaidhttp://nyti.ms/ZriJ4J

Who Relies on Medicare: http://bit.ly/ZriA1g

The Plan to Improve Social Security’s Finances That No One’s Talking About: http://bit.ly/ZriG8W

Written, directed, and edited by Francesca Fiorentini

Camera by Patricio Guillamón

Like LaughToNotCry on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LaughToNotCry

Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/franifio

 

In 2011 the Commission on Wartime Contracting found that between 31 and 60 billion dollars was lost in Iraq to waste, bribery, or fraud. FUN! But if that doesn’t convince you of the war’s distastefulness, let me count the other 60 billion reasons that this was a neconservative hatched plot to make crazy money. 

DISCLAIMER: THERE MAY BE SOME FACTS IN THIS VIDEO. THEY HAVE ALL BEEN RESEARCHED. I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE

Written, directed, and edited by Francesca Fiorentini

Camera by Patricio Guillamón

Like LaughToNotCry on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LaughToNotCry

Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/franifisit my tumblr site: http://www.laughtonotcry.com

You can take my house, my job, my social security and my Medicare. But you will never take MY FREEEEEEDOM!! (And by freedom I mean my AK-47)  

Why was the second amendment written? Is freedom really how many assault rifles I can stockpile or is it being able to see the Smurfs 2 on opening night without my bulletproof vest?  Francesca explores the less than proud colonial roots of the 2nd amendment, gun control, and how unless the Obama administration can weather the political shite storm— we are on collision course with a whole lot of crazies.